Harry's Flaps: The Adventures of a Real Mark .. and Bryan

Senator Harry Reid was instrumental in producing the attempted public lynching of Clarence Thomas that embarrassed America and led a large majority to say they 'strongly disapproved of the way the Senate conducted the Thomas nomination.'

The following account, though satirical, correctly references Reid's cloakroom activities.

It was Oct. 8 that female Democrats from the House of Representatives -- irate that Senators had chosen to consider Anita Hill's proofless slanders in private -- stormed across Capitol Hill and began banging on the door of the Senate Democratic Caucus Room.

Inside, Nevada senators Harry Reid and Richard Bryan -- terrified that somehow, somewhere, they might have offended some feminist harpy -- suddenly experienced a great lavender light and an amazing revelation of What Had To Be Done.

Slipping out the caucus room window and purchasing feminine attire from a couple of startled Uruguayan women tourists, the Silver State senators, now in drag, re-entered the Capitol building and joined the group of haranguing harridans outside the caucus room door.

Raising their voices in joyful solidarity with the feminist coven, senators Dick and Harry were heard to chant: "We want pubic -- er, public -- hearings!" and "White liberal America is entitled to see Clarence Thomas on the barbecue spit!"

At this burst of inspired shrillness, a look of comradely appreciation was flashed to the Desert Duo by Colorado Rep. Pat Schroeder. Senator Reid, deeply touched at this token of recognition from America's Obersturmfuehress of Carping, emitted an immense and tremulous tear, which wended its way down his quivering cheek and onto the front of his winsome peasant blouse.

Thus that afternoon, newly energized for the feminist cause, Nevada's senators began buttonholing swing Democrats in the Senate cloakroom (a truly arresting sight, considering Harry and Dick's charming Uruguayan accoutrements).

With the majority for Judge Thomas' immediate confirmation no longer available, Nevada's delegation was instrumental in establishing a Senate consensus that the Judiciary Committee should hold pubic -- er, public -- hearings that weekend. It was in appreciation for these noteworty services that N.O.W. subsequently honored Harry and Dick with their "Heroes of Soviet Women Award," with the "You're a Really Sensitive Wussie" medal, and with a conditional pledge to not use spurs the next time N.O.W.'s hierarchy wants to ride Nevada's senators bareback.

And so it came to pass that Senators Reid and Bryan got their wish: On Oct. 11 the Anita Hill-Clarence Thomas hearings began, and an entire nation was able to weigh the grimy mudbath that Nevada's senators had nurtured into existence?

What did America think? Sixty percent of Americans, according to a New York Times / CBS News poll, judged the Thomas hearings "an embarrassing spectacle that will result in nothing good." Sixty percent also, according to a Washington Post - ABC News poll "strongly disapproved of the way the Senate conducted the Thomas nomination," and thought "the committee treated the judge unfairly."

Back in Nevada, there were those who said that Reid and Bryan -- by helping precipitate what has been called "the most sustained assault on fairness and sheer human decency every waged by an arm of the U.S. Senate" -- had demonstrated truly abysmal judgment.

But Senator Reid remains delighted with his gig as the senator from the National Organization of Women.

"Hey," he says, "you may think we brought a degrading and grotesque travesty into living rooms all over America, but" -- and here his eyes brim with moisutre and his voice becomes a small and sensitive quaver -- "in my view, that's a small price to pay for me an' Dick gettin' in good with all those New York femi-Nazis!"

And so, up on Capitol Hill, on nights when the moon is full, a pair of gangling male silhouettes in feminine dress (Indian saris when the weather is warm, brocade gowns with puff sleeves when cool) can often be seen fluttering daintily over the historic grounds.

If you listen closely -- and ignore the sporadic "kersplash!" when the not-so-sylphlike creatures occasionally trip and fall into the Capitol Hill pool -- you may note the Nevada accent of a sensitive, wussified voice, muttering, in a loud whisper, the immortal non-sexist words: